Pirate Jokes

Some Pirate Favorites:

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? … It’s rated AARRRRGGH!
what is a pirates favorite study subject? … arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
what’s a pirate’s second-choice job? … an arrrrrrchitect!
what’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? … arrrr
What kind of socks does a pirate wear? … AARRRRGGHyle!
What’s a pirate’s second favorite mode of transportation? … A cAARRRRGGH!
What does a gourmet pirate add to his dinner? … A gAARRRRGGHnish!
What Star Wars character is really a pirate? … AARRRRGGH-2 D-2!
What’s a pirate’s favorite country? … AARRRRGGHentina!
Why did the pirate go on vacation? … He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!
where do pirates put their trash? … in the GARRRRRRRRRRRBAGE can!
what is a pirates favorite doll? … BARRRRRRRRRRBIE!
where do pirates keep their cookies? … in a jarrrr!!!!
how did the pirate become a lawyer? … he passed the barrrrr!!!!
where do pirates like to eat? … . the HARRRRRRD rock cafe!
what are pirates afraid of? … the DARRRRRRRRRRK
what did the pirate do to his drowining first mayte? … C P ARRRRRRRRR
where did the pirate put its car when it was done driving it? … the PARRRRRRRRRKING lot
why are pirates the coolest? … they just ARRRRRRRR!!!
where do pirates keep their weapons? … in an ARRRRRRRRSONAL!
what’s a pirates favorite fast food restraunt? … arrrrrr-by’s
where do pirates park their ships? … in the harrrrrrbor!
where do pirates get their haircut? … at the barrrrrber!
Why is there smoke all arond the pirate? … He’s smoking a cigarrr.
Why does the pirate say AED? … He knows mediacl Jarrrgon
What was the pirate’s golf score? … parrrr
Why did the pirate move to Russia? … To be czarrr!

From bad to worse:

How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing? A buck an ear!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook? An arm and a leg!
What has 8 arms and 8 legs? Eight pirates!
How did the pirate stop smoking? He used the patch!
What is piratophobia? Fear of a sunken chest!
What do you call a pirate that skips class? Captain Hooky!
What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him? His booty!
why does a pirate’s phone go beep beep beep beep beep? because he left it off the hook!
What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!
Why do pirates never go hiking? poison oak is deadly with hook.

Yarrgh!

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. “oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate”, the man says, “But where are your buccaneers?” The kid gets really mad, and says, “on the sides of me buckin’ head!”

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?”, the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them – yarrgh, er, pooped in my eye.”
“So?”, replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from that!” “Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet!”

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!” The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re goon to have to pee in the boat.”

So there’s this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s out-stretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?”

A Pirate ship comes ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ends up in a bar sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp is dirty, so he rubbs it clean, and a great genie comes out, granting him any three wishes he wants. Immediatly he wishes for a huge mug of beer that can never run dry. “Granted” says the genie. Excitedly the pirate downs the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refills it self. He empties it again, and it again, magically refills, just like he wanted. “This is great!” he says. “And what about your second and third wished?” asks the geni. The pirate, still excited about his mug quickly says, “I’ll have two more just like this!”

Some one liners …

What does a pirate think happens at the end of time? Arrrrmageddon.

What’s a pirate’s favorite food? Arrrrrtichokes.

What’s a pirate’s favorite basketball move? Jump hook.

How do pirates make their money? By hook or by crook.
Why do pirates make excellent fishermen? They know how to hook the big ones.

Where do pirates find their birds? Parrots Without Partners.

Did you hear about the pirate’s parrot that fell in love with a duck? The bird kept saying, “Polly wants a quacker”.

Why couldn’t the young pirate see the R-rated movie? There was no parrot-al guidance.

Why should pirates work for FedEx? They have the fastest ships in the shipping business.

What’s it called when a pirate’s sloop runs aground? It’s ship out of luck.

Why don’t pirates use a safe deposit box? They put their valuables in Davy Jones’ Locker.

Who’s the pirate’s favorite actress? Diane Cannon.

Why did the pirate refuse to say, “Aye, Aye, Captain”? Because he’s only got one eye.

What’s the pirate’s favorite restaurant? Trick question because it’s either Jolly Roger or Long John Silver’s.

How could the pirate acquire the ship so cheaply? Because it was on sail.

Why did the pirate not learn how to bowl? He had a severe hook.

Who was the pirate’s favorite musician? Carlos Bandana.

Why couldn’t the pirate stop thinking about sailing? He had ship for brains.

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

What are the only notes a pirate can sing? High C’s [seas]

What shivers at the bottom of the sea? a nervous wreck

Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They’ll just wash up on shore later

What’s the smelliest part of a pirate ship? the poop deck

What grows out of a pirate’s head? corsair [coarse hair]

What’s the worse nightmare for a pirate on a blind date? a sunken chest with no booty

 

Pirate Jokes – more word play …

What was Bluebeard’s wife’s name? Peg.

How do pirates eat on their ships? Slurp soup on the sloop.

How does a pirate greet a prostitute? Yo Ho.

What’s a pirate’s favorite companion? Hooker.

What exercise is hard for Blackbeard? Pirate Pilates.

When boxing, what’s a pirate’s favorite punch? Left hook.

What’s a pirate’s least favorite animal? Beaver.

If Blackbeard played sports who would he play for? Either the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Pittsburg Pirates.

How does a pirate, wearing a patch, say “yes” to the leader? Eye Eye, Captain.

What do you have to watch for when sitting down on a wooden toilet? Long john slivers.

What does a pirate put on toast? Jelly Roger.

What’s is called when a pirate seeks treasure? Booty call.

What’s a pirate’s favorite movie? Booty and the Beast.

Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean

Where do pirates buy their sketch pads? Arrrrrrrt Supply Store.

Where do pirates drink their beer? In schooners.

Which pirate ship has a gate? Frigate.

How does a pirate tell his matey to get out of the toilet and secure everything for an upcoming storm? Button up the britches and batten down the hatches!

What is a buccaneer? Pretty high price to pay for corn.

Where does a pirate store his workout clothes? Davy Jone’s Locker.

What’s Bluebeard’s favorite song? Doubloon Moon.

What kind of look does a pirate give right before walking off the ship? Plank stare.

How does a pirate tell his matey he’ll watch for him? I’ll keep an eye out for you.

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Bartender says” hey buddy , you’ve got a steering wheel on your crotch. Pirate replys, “Aaargh , it’s driving me nuts.”

Why does a pirate fear getting older? He could have arrrrthritus.

What killed Captain Hook? (Jock itch!)

What’s a pirate’s favorite state? Arrrrkansas

What a pirate’s favorite letters? Arrrr and Seaaaa

How much did the pirate’s ear-rings cost? A-buck-an-ear

 

Really Bad Pirate Puns …

Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Q: What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
A: He got marooned.

Q: What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A: A rookie

Q: What did the ocean say to the pirate?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
A: One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.

Q: What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
A: RRRRRRA!

Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg.

Q: Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
A: Right where ye left him.

Q: How do pirates prefer to communicate?
A: Aye to aye!

Q: Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate?
A: Because he was standing on the deck.

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

Q: What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
A: Starrrrrve!

Q: What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?
A: I, I, R and the seven C’s

 

Pirate Sayings (Words to Plunder By?)

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. – Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi

Take what you can, give nothing back

Me I’m Dishonest. And A Dishonest Man You Can Always Trust To Be Dishonest. Honestly, It’s The Honest Ones You Want To Watch Out For Because You Never Know When They Are Going To Do Something Completely Stupid!

A friend can betray you, but an enemy will always stay the same.

There comes a time in most men’s lives where they feel the need to raise the Black Flag.

Not all treasure is silver and gold-And that was done without a single drop of rum…

Why is the rum gone?

It is when pirates count their booty that they become mere thieves.

The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.
Source : CoolAndSmart.com/Pirate_Sayings

Work like a Captain – Party like a Pirate

Life’s pretty good, and why wouldn’t it be I am a Pirate after all. Depp

I’m a pirate. I’m my own captain.

Land was created to provide a place for boats to visit.

If ye can’t trust a pirate, ye damn well can’t trust a merchant either.

A pirate is for life, not just for Christmas.

If ye thinks he be ready to sail a beauty, ye better be willin’ to sink with her.

The existence of the sea means the existence of pirates.

Even pirates, before they attack another ship, hoist a black flag.

The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, A poet, a pawn and a king; I’ve been up and down and over and out, And I know one thing; Each time I find myself flat on my face, I pick myself up and get back in the race.

Dead men don’t tell tales.

See you in Davie Jones’ Locker.

Ye can swab the poop deck, but ye can’t poop on the swab deck.


Here are some risqué pirate sayings that will work ye well on t-shirts or bumper stickers:
Prepare to be boarded!
Swab My Deck, Wench.
I’ll swab your poop deck.
Honk if you like my booty.
Surrrrrender the booty!
Save a ship. Ride a pirate.
Me buried treasure is in me pocket.
Ahoy Boys!
Vacation equals Arrrrrr N Arrrrrr Avast! Pull Me Mast!
Shut Ye Pie Hole, I’m Diving in Ye Bung Hole
Rubbers are for land lubbers
I’ve hit the Mother-load! (and the daughter-load)
Wench Press
Ye want to see me Cockswain?
Walk the plank, wench, and then ride it.
Pirates do it harrrrrder!

 

Pirate Dictionary and Phrases

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! – exhortation of discontent or disgust

Ahoy! – Hello!

Ahoy, Matey – Hello, my friend!

Ahoy, me Hearties! – the same as saying “Hello, my friends!”

All hand hoay! – comparable to all hands on deck

Avast ye – stop and check this out or pay attention

Aye – yes

Batten down the hatches – put everything away on the ship and tie everything down because a storm is brewing

Bilge-sucking – insult

Blimey! – exhortation of surprise

Blow me down! – expression of shock of disbelief akin to “Holy Crap!”

Blow the man down – command to kill someone

Booty – treasure

Buccaneer – a pirate

Bucko – a buccaneer

Cat O’Nine Tails – a whip with nine strands

Cleave him to the brisket – to cut across the chest, from one shoulder to the lower abdomen

Corsair – pirates in the Mediterranean Sea

Crow’s nest – small platform atop the mast where the lookout stands

Cutlass – short heavy curved bladed sword used by pirates

Davy Jones’ Locker – fabled, mythical place at the bottom of the ocean where the evil spirit of Davy Jones brings sailor and pirates to die

Dead men tell no tales – phrase indicating to leave no survivors

Doubloons – other coins or found in pirate hoards and stashes

Feed the fish – will soon die

Hang ‘im from the yardarm – punishment of those captured in battle

Head – the pirate ship’s toilet

Heave Ho – give it some muscle and push it

Hempen Halter – a noose for hanging

Hornswaggle – to defraud or cheat out of money or belongings

Jacob’s Ladder – the rope ladder one uses to climb aboard a sloop

Jolly Roger – pirate’s flag including white skull and crossbones over a black field

Keelhaul – punishment in which a person where dragged underneath the pirate ship from side to side and was lacerated by the barnacles on the vessel

Lad, lass, lassie – a younger person

Landlubber – big, slow clumsy person who doesn’t know how to sail

Letters of Marque – letters issue from governments during wartime to privateers endorsing the piracy of another vessel

Man-O-War – pirate’s ship outfitted for battle

Me – my

Mizzen – third mast from the bow of the ship on ships that have three or more masts

Old Salt – an experienced sailor

Pieces of eight – coins or found in pirate stashes

Pillage – rob, sack or plunder

Poop deck – the part of the ship farthest to the back, which is usually above the captain’s quarters. This is not the bathroom.

Privateer – government-sponsored pirates

Rum – pirate’s traditional alcoholic beverage

Run a shot across the bow – warning shot to another vessel’s captain

Savvy? – do you understand and do you agree?

Scallywag – mild insult akin to rapscallion or rogue

Scurvy dog – the pirate is talking directly to you with mild insult

Scuttle – to sink a ship

Seadog – old pirate or sailor

Shark bait – will soon join Davy Jones’ Locker

Shipshape – cleaned up and under control

Shiver me timbers! – comparable to “Holy Crap!”

Son of a Biscuit Eater – insult directed towards someone you don’t like

Splice the mainbrace! – give the crew a drink!

Thar she blows! – Whale sighting

Three sheets to the wind – someone who is very drunk. One sheet is mildly drunk nd four sheets is passed out.

Walk the plank – punishment in which person walks off a board jutting over the side of the ship while at sea. The consequence is drowning and a visit to Davy Jones’ Locker.

Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen! – pull up the anchor and the sail and let’s get going

Ye – you

Yo Ho Ho – cheerful exhortation to demand attention



 

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